The War Within

How many of you know the feeling inside that feels like your own personal war?

I know this feeling all-to-well. Often times through my life, I've been at war with myself. I'd feel like I got my feet on the ground with a job, my own place, what have you, and boom, I'd knock my own feet out from under myself with self destructive behavior.

Other times I feel like I'm at war with God. A loved one passes, something bad happens, and I blame him for it. "How can you let this happen God?" Which also leads me to be a spiteful son. Doing evil to spite God.

Maybe I'm alone on this, but I bet I'm not. Times when I should turn to God to help me, I'd turn to drugs to forget. Times when I'd get angry and should pray, I'd harm someone instead.

This way of life kept me trapped in the revolving door that is the prison system for most of my adult life. Leading to the life sentence I now serve.

I still haven't learned, because even today, I fight is war. No matter how many times I pray, I still feel this rage inside. I still think evil thoughts, I still fall short.

Sometimes I feel like its a war I can't win. I promise God to never hurt another person, and then he tests me by putting someone in my path that drives me to the edge. In my past, this is the point in which I break, doing evil to get past the rage. For me it doesn't take much to get there. I've lived a hard life, and carry a lot of pain.

I have learned to wear a mask, and hide my feelings better, and in doing so, little by little I've also gotten stronger at self control. With that strength, so to has my strength in faith grown.

I'm just venting here to you, my brothers and sisters, but also saying, "you're not alone in this battle. If you share these feelings (maybe not with rage and anger, but whatever problem) I do to. Stay strong and keep the faith." Pray for me, and know I'm praying for you all.

                   - currently incarcerated inmate Jason Pardue

By Tony Hadden #0160284

Nash Correctional Institution

April 13, 2024

I am a Believer. God is good...Hello Brothers and Sisters, I'm Tony. First time ever going to church service was inside a state prison shortly after I started writing a Christian with Inside-Out Letter Ministry. I was invited by a friend to church in August 2015. That was how I got to know the Lord. First time I even wanted to know and to live for our Lord. I felt so much peace that August day. The Holy Spirit led me that day & I gave my life over to God. So glad I accepted my friends invite. I was blessed beyond anything I had ever felt in my life for the first time ever. I was blessed & still to this day I'm blessed with love peace joy happiness & good Christian friends, brothers & sisters. I was set free from the bondage of my sinful ways. I'm still a Believer still a work in progress though (which we all are). I was & still am blessed thru Inside-Out Letter Ministry. Its a Christian pen-pal ministry. Getting mail from strangers who care about us prisoners gives us Hope. We need volunteers, because everyone needs someone no matter where we are or, what we have done. (We all are accepted by God.) [You make a difference...]Like Isaiah 58:10-11 says, "Help those in trouble..." Like 1 John 3:18 says, "Let us not love in words or speech, but with action and truth. Your Brother in Christ—Tony.